Your description reminded me of myself. I’ll be totally honest and say I have treated my husband like this at times — yelling at the pain, while being unkind to him. Like you, he recognizes this — and what he says helps so, so much:
“You are hurting. Tell me about what is hurting you.” He’s not accepting blame for what isn’t his, but he’s showing me that he cares. Makes all the difference. Thank you for sharing your story!